Why I Hate Moustaches

I have never known my father sans moustache. I’m not talking about a tiny attempt or he just forgot to shave. My father has had a full on make Tom Selleck jealous moustache since 1974… when he promptly was kicked out of the house for it. When most pimple faced boys are asking girls to their senior prom, my dad at the tender age of 17 fresh out of high school (the nuns would not allow facial hair) made a decision that has shaped his destiny forever. He started to grow the stache.

            Growing up I thought it was normal for boys to start shaving their upper lips in 5^th grade as my brother did. Although my dad was no help there since, as he said when my brother asked, “My top lip has not seen the sun in 26 years.” My mom had to show him… I thought it was normal for men to be able to grow moustaches in a matter of days. It was not until I went to arts high school and the hipster craze that has taken Portland by the short and moustachey hairs did I realize some men had to try to grow the thing I had become some used to. (NOT on my face, please, but on the men’s faces in my family, lets clear that up right now) I saw these boys stuffed into tiny skinny jeans and scarves so effortlessly thrown across their neck trying desperately to grow any resemblance of a moustache and failing terribly. I began to look at my father and the other men I was related to in a different light. They had been able to obtain something so easily that these other men pinned over.

            This is the last known sighting of the bare upper lip, the senior picture:

            Now as I look around campus everyday I am beginning to see more and more moustaches crop up. Maybe it’s because I live in hipster capital and nothing goes better with PBR than a moustache to get it caught in. Although this new trend is a great weeding out system for me of any boys I would potentially want to date because… I hate moustaches.

            Don’t get me wrong I have great respect for moustaches and if my father ever shaves his off I will not look at him until he grows it back. But, I would rather admire from a far. Maybe I cannot take them seriously as a potential suitor because they are all I see at family reunions. But I think the main reason I hate moustaches anywhere near me is because all I can think about is what kind of food might be lurking in there.

            I’m not talking about sad little attempts where you can see the skin underneath, really kid, just shave it, it is not going anywhere and it just looks sad. I am talking about a respectable moustache that has some oomph to it.

            I remember my dad was driving me to work one morning and on the way he was eating some breakfast bar thing. I smelled nuts so naturally I shifted my body to the other side of the car. The smell of things I’m allergic to makes me what to be sick so even though there is nowhere really to go in a car, I do my best. At the end of the car ride he stops the car and I start to gather my things to get out. He grabs my hand and gives it a kiss on the back as a good bye. (It is my general rule to not kiss anything without full knowledge of what they have eaten and that goes for family too) I pull my hand away very quickly saying, “Dad! There were nuts in that!” He sighed his dad sigh and said, “Oh Cate, no there are not and it’s fine, you really need to relax.” I mumbled something and got out of the car to walk to work. As I put my things away I could see a little red bump forming on my hand, a hive! I went and washed my hands quickly and then went to clorox everything in sight as my normal routine when I get to work. At my lunch break I saw there was a voice mail from my dad and I listened. He said how he checked the ingredients list after and yes there were nuts in it and he was very sorry… and wrong… and I was right. Mwahhahahaha yes! I saved that message for a couple years.

            The point is! Whenever I see moustaches I see the tiny little food particles hiding all up inside it waiting to jump out and attack me. And I do not like that.

            And I don’t want to date someone who looks like my dad, gross.

           My attempt to look like my dad for a school project last year. I look freakishly like him in this.