Pardon me while I get a
little real on ya’ll.
I woke up this morning in
a ball and bawling. (say that ten times fast, sorry, okay serious time!) I was
jolted awake from a dream I was having that left me sobbing in my bed. I can
only remember this type of violent reaction from a dream one other time in my
life. Needless to say I was in a weird state as I began to regain my awareness
of my surroundings and put together the pieces of what I had just dreamt.
This is how I remember it:
I was at a party with a
bunch of people. I went outside my house to hang out with my cousin that I had
not seen in years. We were sitting down having a great time when I got up and
started walking towards the house. There was a massive crowd of people in my
driveway (more than logically would be there) but I started to make my way
through. That is when a child with long golden curls came tearing for me. He
had a carton of opened milk in his hand and before throwing it at my face
yelled, “I am going to kill you!” The carton was thrown but stopped right in
front of my face frozen so I could clearly see it. I fell to the ground, it
missing me and looked up to see the crowd of my friends, family (I have a lot),
and people I don’t know tackle the kid and hold him down. I ran over to the kid
and started yelling at him explaining what he did could have killed me when I
remembered what he had yelled. I was overwhelmed with emotion and began to
scream that what he was doing would have been murder. The look on the kids face
is still stuck in my mind. He rolled his eyes and ignored me as my screams of
terror and outrage got louder. I was having a verbal meltdown and he did not
care. I then ran into my house and found someone, I’m not sure who it was but I
fell into their arms and started violently sobbing. I was trying to make out
what happened through the tears but I couldn’t get it across. I felt hopeless
and small. That’s when I woke up to the sound of my own sobs.
So not the greatest dream
of them all… The point of me sharing this is not to get you all down. I really
don’t want to depress my readers I swear. I am sharing this with you because
there is a side to allergies we all seem to ignore. All my life I have been
told “well just don’t eat that.” Done deal. But have we stopped to take a look
at the psychological repercussions of this thing we call allergies? Is there
more to it than just what we do and do not eat?
Growing up I knew no one
that shared what I shared. I had to live through it alone. I had the amazing
help of my family who completely turned their lives around for me and I’m
positive if I had a different set of parents I would not have made it past my
first birthday. When I was young I was literally allergic to the world. I would
strip off clothes when I was still in diapers because they made me break out so
badly. I was allergic to the dies in paper so we couldn’t wrap our Christmas
presents. At one point in my life the only things I could eat were beef and
spinach. Yum. I was on a nebulizer for the majority of the day and had to learn
how to do everything sitting down with a mask on my face. Recently my aunt sent
me pictures from when I was a child for a school project and I couldn’t use any
of them because I was afraid they would scare my class. In almost every picture
I was red, puffy, and had hives everywhere. When I got them I just cried.
Although my childhood was
rough and I’m still amazed I made it out alive I know it had a lot to do with
the attitude my parents instilled in me. My allergies were my issue and no one
else’s burden to bare. I was in charge of my health and if I wasn’t going to
take control of it then it would control me. When I could barely talk I would
be refusing kisses from family members because I did not know what they had
eaten. I wore a button everywhere that said “Do not feed me.” I was a happy
child and didn’t know any better. I am positive this strong will is what kept
me alive.
Although as the years went
on and I grew up, my positive attitude began to dwindle. We moved and I was
away from my large family that knew all about me and my restrictions. I had to
meet new people and establish new trust. This went rather smoothly despite some
minor bumps of typical mean kids. One kid in particular used to yell at me, “be
careful of allergy girl! She might get her allergies on you!” To which I
replied, “yeah watch out!” and then would proceed to run after him. Oh first
grade.
Around middle school
though I became painfully aware that I was very different and no one around me
seemed to care as much as I did. It seemed not matter how much I tried to get
across the gravity of the situation, people just didn’t get it. I know now that
I was in middle school and all middle schoolers don’t get anything but at the
time I was beginning to loose my faith and fast. Then one day everything
changed.
I was in history class
sitting at a table with another girl, Jordan, who had some allergies but
nothing as serious as I had, she could take some pills and be totally fine.
Also sitting there was Blair. She was the coolest girl in my grade. She was
tall, had long straight blonde hair, was beautiful, and boobs. I was average
hight but I slouched, had thick brown curly frizzy hair, giant eyebrows, and no
boob in sight. So naturally being a middle schooler I looked up to her and
craved her approval. While we were sitting in class I brought out a thing of
clear lip gloss to apply. Blair asked if she could use some and I said
something like “uhhh only if you didn’t just eat cheese because I’m allergic to
cheese.” They had just eaten one of those cheese things with fake cheese and
those cracker sticks. She said something like “whatever” and the issue was
dropped. I went to the bathroom and came back. I went to put on my lip gloss
again and noticed the tip was yellow. I asked the table and Blair said, “Oh I
used some and the chap stick I had on before was yellow…” I knew something was
wrong and my stomach felt heavy. I never used the lip gloss again for fear of
the worst but I didn’t actually believe it until a while later when the other
girl at the table with us, the closest person I knew to having allergies, told
me that Blair had stuck my lip gloss wand in the cheese because she thought, “I
was lying about my allergies for attention.” Not only did this person do
something so selfish and cruel but also the one person I would expect to have
my back let it happen in front of her. I was devastated. From then on I looked
at the world as if it was out to get me. Everything was potential danger and I
never felt safe again.
I began to get angry and
closed off. I did not trust people and began to shut myself off from ever
letting people in completely. I lived like this for a long time and have only
recently began to relax and try and trust people more. It is very hard for me
and have to actively try and come out of my bubble to see the world. I was so
long affected by my fear that I missed a lot of great times in my high school
and college years. I saw “the best years of my life” passing me by.
So I urge all of you to
not just put on a happy face and trust everyone because that is dumb and will
only lead you to hurt. But I ask you all to really look at yourself and judge
if you are okay. I know I am not 100% yet, but I’m getting there. I am about to
start counseling and I urge all of you who can, to do. There is so much more to
being allergic than what you can and cannot eat. It is living with the fear of
knowing each day could be your last. Please do not let that fear paralysis you
like it did me for so long. Seek professional help to work through all your
demons before they work you out.
You are not expected to
have it all figured out. It would be very weird if you did. But please be
actively working towards bettering yourself and being the healthiest person in
body and mind.
My dream pointed out to me
in a very clear and in-my-face way was that although I’m going in the right
direction I still need some help. I saw the massive crowd around me as all the
people who do support me and the child as just that, a childish fear I can
conquer. Trying to reason with and explain to the child was useless because it
had nothing to do with him, it was me that needs to work it out.
So please if you have any
questions, ask me. I am here for you. I have been through most everything I
could have gone through and I’m still alive to tell the tale. But also please
at the end of the day, go see someone who can help you. We do not have to do
this alone.
You are not alone.
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